How to talk to children about hard things: 5 phrases emotionally intelligent parents use, from a therapist and mom of 2

If you're a parent, you've probably faced the challenge of if, when, and how to deliver difficult news to your child — about an upcoming move, perhaps, an illness or death in the family, or a local tragedy.

Support doesn't mean not talking to kids about what's going on. It doesn't mean not showing any emotion. In fact, kids often worry more about what they don't understand and when they feel they can't discuss what's happening with their trusted adults. 

As a dual-certified child life specialist and therapist and the creator of The Method Workbooks to teach kids about topics like cancer and food allergies, I help parents lean into difficult conversations. Having them can actually build trust, reduce fear, improve coping, and promote connection.

Here are five phrases emotionally intelligent parents use when navigating difficult talks with their children. 

1. 'I have something important to talk to you about'

Giving kids a warning before difficult conversations can help their nervous systems pre-regulate. It helps them to know that whatever's coming next is different from what they're used to — that the subject is perhaps upsetting, or at least serious — and it requires a different kind of attention.

You might assess what they already know about the topic and what they need clarification on. Consider questions such as: 

• "Have you learned about ______?" 
• "What do you know about ______?" 
• "Have you noticed ______?" 
• "Is anyone talking about ______?" 

2. 'I want you to know that we can talk about this'

Kids look to their trusted adults to know how to think and feel about a particular topic. If they think it's taboo to bring up, they might hold in their questions or feelings or seek information from an unreliable or inaccurate source. 

The number one goal of having difficult conversations with kids is to promote open and honest communication. Be a consistent and supportive presence that encourages their questions on their own timeline.

Depending on the age of the child, consider incorporating books, play materials, and other resources. I created "The Dot Method" workbook, for example, as a hands-on tool to guide parents and caregivers in talking to their children about cancer. My colleague Jessica Correnti has a great list of other recommendations. 

Using these kinds of resources helps you follow your kid's lead, see what they want to learn more about, and address their feelings and concerns along the way. 

3. 'All feelings are okay'

It's important for kids to know that it's okay to experience, express, and process a range of emotions — both good and uncomfortable. During difficult moments, it's natural to feel sad, mad, or worried. It's also natural to have happy moments amidst hard times. 

Parents have a unique opportunity to role model for their children how to manage difficult emotions. If you can name your own emotions and demonstrate healthy coping skills, you can validate kids' feelings and work together to learn, practice, and use healthy coping strategies as a family.

When kids and teens experience big or uncomfortable emotions, their nervous systems might become activated, making it hard for them to think clearly and function properly. I teach children about the importance of using strategies such as deep breathing and mindfulness to self-regulate. 

• For young kids, you can practice belly breathing, incorporating toys such as pinwheels or bubbles or relying on their imagination. For example, you might have them pretend they're blowing out birthday candles.
• For older kids, you can teach them how to truly take deep breaths by using 5-5-5 breathing, which involves inhaling for five seconds, holding for five seconds, and exhaling for five seconds.

Other strategies include discussing highs and lows regularly, establishing sleep routines, creating boundaries, and incorporating down time to rest and recharge. Practicing these methods can make them more easily accessible when they're most needed.

4. 'We can choose ______'

When things are unpredictable and challenging, you can provide kids with choices to give them a sense of control and inclusion. Giving kids choices can help create some structure during a chaotic time. Kids thrive on predictability and routine.

You might say something like: 

• "______ isn't a choice, but we can choose ______ or ______." 
• "We have to pack our bags right now but we can choose a song or show to watch while we do it." 

Using words like "let's" and "we" can help kids feel a sense of unity. 

5. 'We're going to get through this together'

Navigating difficult times as a family can result in meaningful connection. Kids need to know that they're not alone. They're included as a part of the family.

While you can't promise positive outcomes, you can promise that they'll be loved no matter what. 

It can be helpful to focus on creating memories that foster joy and resilience. Try encouraging play, nature, movement, fun, and creative outlets. 

Help kids know who else is in their support circle. Consider informing other adults in their life how you're talking about and approaching the hard topic. That way, kids can experience consistent warmth and understanding across their settings, from home to school to other activities. 

The key takeaway: Normalize these discussions

Kids and adults alike will inevitably face hard things. They might range in size and intensity. But they will happen.

Using these phrases during difficult conversations can help kids build trust with their parents, feel a sense of belonging, and manage their emotions more effectively. 

Remember, just because we're not talking about or dealing with some uncomfortable topic doesn't mean that the kids aren't thinking or worrying about it. Normalizing these discussions and experiences can make all the difference.

Kelsey Mora is Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who provides custom support, guidance, and resources to parents, families, and communities impacted by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and everyday life stress. She is a private practice owner, mom of two, the creator and author of The Method Workbooks, and the Chief Clinical Officer of the nonprofit organization Pickles Group.

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